Journey in Life

Most of us tend to take "communication" for granted between our spouse.  Just because we all talk to each other, we all thinks that we are communicating.  But do we really communicate well??

U see, only through communication we can get to know someone’s individual preferences; his/her response to a particular problem; his/her opinion about an issue; his/her feelings towards an event. Thus, our primary aim is not to gather data, but to understand each other better.

I think interpersonal communications is the one upmost important thing in a marital relationship.  Only by having an interpersonal relationship, we all can achieve a better mutual understanding with our spouse and vice versa.

This topic was always on my mind.. and i happened to read about this in an online website.  Hope we all can practice this into our everyday life and with our partner in life. 

Have we really Disclose our inner self when we communicate with our spouse?

As a couple, we often do not communicate in ways that are conducive to this purpose. we tend to make mistakes.

When people talk to each other, they often converse about events and things rather than about ourselves. Often when we communicate, we get distracted more than we listen.  We tend to seldom express to our spouse our desire for a deeper mutual understanding. 

You see, because of all these, the result is that many couples in fact do not know each other well.  (I personally find that communicating one’s inner self is challenging) because as human, we tend to prefer talking about things outside ourselves.  when a conversation becomes personal, it tend to makes us feel uncomfortable and thus, we try to change the topic.

Yet only when we disclose personal matters, we are engaging in personal communication. By doing this, we can uncover our true self, our personality, our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses. These aspects of self are very sensitive.. Sometimes, we tend to close ourselves for the risk of revealing our weaknesses and the feeling of we may be rejected or ridiculed, which can be frightening. But if we do not reveal ourself to our spouse who is supposed to be close to us, how could he or she become intimate with us?

Sometimes when our spouse senses that there is something going on inside us, yet we refuse to share ourself, she or he will feel confused, helpless or rejected. Communication is about giving and receiving.  When one discloses, the other must show openness to the disclosure. When one is willing to share himself or herself, the partner must be well disposed to listen attentively.

As a married couple, we often take our spouse for granted and do not listen adequately. We tend to think we know our other half so well, know what our spouse wants to say, that we do not have to wait until the other party finishes what he or she wants to say. Listening only to the beginning of a conversation, we quickly jump to our own conclusions because we are often preoccupied with our own agenda.

In a lot of occassions, the feeling of frustrated at not being able to put across a message, people often inevitably repeats what he or she has said. However, this repeated attempt to convey a message may be perceived as nagging. The one who feels nagged at will stop listening completely, while the other feels increasingly frustrated and upset for not being heard and understood.

Some of us have the mistaken idea that when our spouse shares with us his/her problems, difficulties or frustrations, he or she is asking for help to solve these problems. Thus, when our spouse speaks, we tend to “prepare” a solution while pretending to listen. But in doing this we often lose concentration of what he/she is saying and too often we are too quick to interrupt the sharing by offering our opinions and suggestions: “Why don’t you tell them that. . .”, “You should not bother about what he said. . .” or “You should not have done that.”

Only If we really care, we should just shut up and listen. When a person shares, what he or she expects first and foremost is that we listen and try to understand, rather than to receive a solution. A solution may be needed, but it will only come later. Do we really understand our spouse’s present needs when he or she talks?

Some of us think that whenever a contentious topic is brought up with our spouse, there must always be a winner. When our spouse complains, we feel that we are personally being attacked and thus we must defend. Our mind is busy preparing arguments to refute or retort what our spouse says because we “cannot lose”, Whatever our spouse says becomes a point of contention. What a pity! That which is an opportunity to deepen understanding for each other is turned into a time to hurt each other.

When we are not listening to understand our spouse, it is because we are preoccupied with winning an argument. we try to pick up statements that can be used as a subject for ridicule or retaliation such as “You say that you never. . . but last month when. . .” and “Oh ya, How about the time when…”

therefore, to avoid contention, try to look at a complaint calmly. It is often an expression of a need unfulfilled. So go beyond the question at hand and see the needs and feelings within. When we can discern them, we have understood our spouse. When our spouse feels understood, the negative emotions will dissipate.

Do We care?

If we are interested in our spousal relationship and want to understand our spouse, we should enhance the art of communication. When we are talking to our spouse, try to talk more about self than things. When we are listening, focus on our spouse’s thoughts, feelings and needs. As such, the one who speaks is understood and the one, who listens, understands. In this way, both can encourage each other to open up, to share meaningfully and to grow in love for each other. What can be better than love for a spousal relationship?

I’ve just been back from my 2 weeks holiday back to Perth, Australia - the place where I grew up in.  It has been just over a year since i’ve been back to Perth, due to a lot of workload here and also the fact that mum and sis did came over to Malaysian instead to visit me…  We’ve managed to take a break during this festive season - the much needed break that we deserved.. hehe..

So happy … to be back to Perth… So nice to be able to see your family and friends again… and boy.. did i have a good time or what… Mum spoiled me with her wonderful cooking - really misses her cooking a lot.. (i guess we’ve never really appreciate our mum’s cooking all these time and you will when u dont have it for so long.. ) , So nice to be able to have home-cook-food in the morning for breakfast, lunch and dinner…  and to have someone did your laundry.. hahaha… (thanks mummie.. just for 2 weeks aja..)

I had some wonderful catching up session wif all my Perth’s friends..over lunch, cafe and dinner (lots of bitching up session and talk nothing but crap.. hehe.. not all though.. some very intelligent conversation too).  Weather was fantastic too.. really misses the cool weather.. (hate the hay fever bit though during spring..well… one cant have all the goodies rite?) 

Just so nice.. to be able to wake up late, and do nothing but whatever your heart desire… ahhh.. it’s soo WONDERFUL to be back!! 

Coming back to Msia, although have to work again - yep the daily routine.. here we comes.. but also so nice to have my own bed and bolster again (miss my own room and comfort bed) Missed all my ladies friends here and the whole gang too, missed the chicken rice and the oily char kway tiow ha.ha.ha… happy to be back here.. Guess this is my HOME now!!!  :-}   

I think now a days in a very competitive world that we lived in, the best way to market ourselves or our business is through “networking” whether it’s for a social network or business network.  You see, the saying goes that every person on earth is separated from every other person by only six degrees.  That means, you friend’s brother’s nephew’s wife’s boss could know Michael Dell, Donald Trump, Lee Kuan Yew or some other very important person that can plays a big impact in your business (hey this can happen you know… although I think I’ve exaggerated a tiny little bit on my illustration here.. hehe..).  I mean, you could conceivably be only a few networking steps away from someone who could help you get your business off the ground – be it an industry contact, a top lawyer or a state government official. 

We’ve all heard about the importance of networking, but think it’s really time to tell ourselves to put it into good practice cos networking puts we all in a winning position and keeps us ‘on the inside’ with individuals who can make things happen.  By maintaining contact with our developed network, it will allow us to take advantage of any future opportunities that may arise. 

I’ve browsed through some articles about networking and found some tips for great networking: 

1) Show sincerity (how can others respond to us if they can see that we’re being so fake?)

2) Be true to our words (only when we’re being ourselves and not telling bullshits, then we’ll be respected more)

3) Be polite and formal (depends on occasion and the type of people we all encounter so I think although politeness is a must, formality can be adjusted)

4) Respect people’s time (be alert I guess.. see their reaction, and if they’re not convenient to talk, be sensitive to it.. ) 

5) Do not expect payback (relates to sincerity – GET IT?)

6) Treat referred friends with care (no dirty or dumb jokes people…  haha..)

7) Introduce yourself – don’t wait to be introduced (ohh.. and always give out your name card as I found that people tend to remember you better next time, those ppl that didn’t give me their name card, I tend to forget their name upon meeting them the next time)

Follow Up (that’s why you need to take their name card so you can call them next time. Hehe..)

Well, I guess since we all undertand that good networking is vital to our job in seeking success; the key is to always maintain good relationships with the contacts and keep in touch with the new people you meet on your journey.  So cheers guys.. Happy Networking.. and May I wish us all the “Best of Luck”.. heheh.. (for my friends, do update me on your network friends huh…. Just in case you friend’s friend’s friend know Donald Trump… I would like to meet him one day.. )

What is "GOSSIP"? Well, the dictionary defined gossip as…. 

“Information about a person, true or false, that gets spread around".

Gossip can work like whispers, the original information can be distorted, changed and even made worse as it is passed on from one person to another..

You see, It’s hard to think of anything good that can come out of gossiping.  Gossip is popular because people like to hear big bad juicy things about other people.  It can give someone the feeling of power or popularity if they are able to join in this "bitching session" about someone who is "less" than them.   Some people even think if they keep everyone else busy enough with gossip about others then no one will gossip about them… IS THAT SOO?? 

Well, I think Gossip can also become a habit.   Making a bad comment about anything you hear can become a second nature, Don’t we all agree on this??  We have all gossiped before in our lives and we will do it again. A lot of a times, people often gossip without REALISING WHAT they are doing. 

You all will probably agree if I say that people gossip everyday.. and it’s not just we - women (although it seem much more oblivious.. ha.ha.. cant’ deny this.. ) that gossip nowadays, but men also tend to gossip although some of them did not realise it…(just admit it Guys.. C’mon.. Be a MAN..) 

Well, gossip is just a part of our everyday lives. But does people really realised that GOSSIP HURTS??  Some gossip is forgotten in a week, other gossip can lasts a lifetime.  But nearly all gossip is destructive.  It can wreck friendships and relationships…  It can cause problems in our working environment, It can put pressure on the things we do and the choices we make.  It can hurt people’s feelings, and cause one to have a bad self-image.  It can even lead to a depression.  Gossip has an effect to everything and anything.  Sometimes although I know it’s the nature of human beings, I just cant help wonder why some people just cant seem to keep their mouth shut when it comes to other people’s issues.

I mean, doesn’t these people realize by gossiping the other party, what damage it will do to the other party’s personal life?? Well.. I guess we all must really STOP and think to ourselves before we START (whether intentionally or not) to talk about other people’s business..

So hey.. Just remember this simple rule..

"IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY,

THEN DON’T SAY IT AT ALL" 

Well.. last week was such a busy..but fun and exciting week for me.  Yap you’ve guessed it.  We had Visitors… and those visitors were my lil and only sister and her boyfriend from Perth.  They went to Hongkong for a week long shopping sprees holiday and decided to stop by KL and stayed in my house for another week long shopping sprees.. boy… can she shop or wat?  Tink she almost bought the whole of KL.. hahaha…

Anyway, I had a great time accompanying the two of them eating, shopping, eat again.. then shop again.. hehehe.. We even had a really great time clubbing with my friends, and I was happy to see that both of them really had a fun good time.

Yup.. that was the first time I ever went clubbing with my lil sis… You see, for those ppl who doesn’t know me very well, my age gap with my sis is 5 years difference.. it might not seem such a big age gap now but when she was 17 and i was 22, BELIEVE ME!!… that gaps seems a long bridge to cross… She was this out of control, rebelleous teenage chic (sorry sis, if you happen to read this.. hehe.. but  u were, you have to admit)… and I was like this overprotective, mummy-like big Sista.. I do care about my sis a lot.. that’s why I was trying to guide her into a better path… (yeah..yeah.. i know..as for myself, i’ve been there too.. but i was different, I was much sensible.. hehehee..)  Anyway… i’m sure we all been thru that phase in our life, but since those "can’t get along" & "getting on each other’s nerve’s" TIME,  it seems to me that we just drifted apart as sisters.. and I understand, that during those teenage time, your friends are your universe.. those were the people who you spilled all the saucy secrets in your life.. etc..etc.. not your big sister.. just afraid she’ll leaked it out to mum.. and you’ll be in DEEP SHIT…

Anyway, I’m so glad that now my lil sis is turning 22 yrs old,  she had graduated and working in her first full time job, she has grown more mature and our wavelength can at least interlink and I’m so glad that we not only can be sister but also become friend to each other (something that I had always longing for so long..)

I dont know if she feels the same way as I do.. but I do hope so and to hope for more sisterhood bond in the future.  So we can understand each other more as a person and to share life long wonderful moments together.. Well.. I guess i better stop right here before i get tooo emotional and mushy..

For those friends out there, what do you think? Do you share the same experiences and feelings??

A lot of people think being a woman is like a second gender, a submissive one, the weaker gender compared to men.  Sometimes in a society, women are looked down, abused of, and being stepped down emotionally…. Women are expected to do everything the feminist way although in today’s modern society, we have evolved into a different role.  No longer just a stay home wife/mum, some of us also a job and a career, yet, no matter what, our role as a woman stays the same because we are made as a W.O.M.A.N. and this is a fact that will never change no matter how evolve our world will become in the future.  Nevertheless, we should be very proud being a WOMAN as it is not easy being one as no matter what those ego stricken male would say, I reckon being a woman is trully a gifted privilege and nobody can ever take those privileges away… So here’s a tribute to us W.O.M.E.N…. (heheehe.. for all the males reader, pls dont get mad… or jealous.. *Grin*) 

W.O.M.A.N 

When God created woman he was working very late.  On the 6th Day, an Angel came by and said: "Why spend so much time on that one?"

And the Lord answered: "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape HER?"

"She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of foods, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands". 

The Angel was impressed.  "Just two hands.. IMPOSSIBLE!".  "and this is the standard model? Too much work for one day.. wait until tomorrow and then complete her".

"I Will Not", said the Lord.  "I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart". "She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day". 

The Angel came nearer and touched the woman.  "But You have made her so soft, Lord". 

"She is soft", said the Lord, "But I have also made her strong.. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can She think?" The Angle asked.  The Lord answered: "Not only can she think, She can Reason and Negotiate". 

The Angel touched the woman’s cheek.  "Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her".

"She is not leaking.. It’s a Tear" .. The Lord corrected the Angel. 

"What’s it for?"  Asked the Angel.  And the Lord said:

"Tears are her way of expressing Grief, her Doubts, her Love, her Loneliness, her Suffering and her Pride".. 

This made a big impression on the Angel; "Lord you are trully a Genius.. You thought of everything, this Woman is indeed MARVELLOUS!"…

Indeed She Is…!

WOMAN has strenghts that amazes man. 

She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. 

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when feeling like screaming.

She sings when she feels like crying, crys when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid. 

She fights for what she believes in.  She stands up against injustice. 

She doesn’t take "NO" for an answer, when she can see a better solution.

She gives herself so her family can thrive. 

She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid. 

Her LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL. 

She cries when her kids are victorious. 

She is happy when her friends do so well.  She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.

Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies. But she finds the strength to get on with life.

She knows that a Kiss or a Hug can heal a broken heart. 

There is only one thing Wrong with her..

"SHE FORGETS WHAT SHE IS WORTH…" 

Sometimes we as a woman feel that we do not worth anything and that the things we do are expected from us.. sometimes we work so hard to please everybody around us.. to be someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s daughter, someone’s in law, someone’s friends, someone’s employee, etc… sometimes we do need to be appreciated just because we gives so much and it’s sad and depressing to know that all are taken for granted… So gals.. women.. "Be Proud and Happy for who you are cos indeed We are one Great Creation by the Lord… "

(to my mum, I think she is trully a wonderful woman.. for all her endured sufferings, her love, her patiences, her encouragements, her strenghts and the perseverence she put up all these years for her children - not easy being a single mother, I’m so proud being her daughter.. Love you Mummy dearest.. She is indeed a woman of the Century in my heart always..)

As a married person, We often ask ourselves this question, "Did I Marry the Right Person?" I’ve come across a forwarded email on this topic and I thought I might as well share wif all of you people out there.. for those who is married, getting married, or simply in love, please READ ON…

"How do I know if I married the right person?"

Here’s the answer:

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with
your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked
their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a
completely natural and spontaneous experience.

You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called "falling" in
love… Because it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the
imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing
there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience. But
after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the
natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when
it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you
think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between
the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry
subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry
the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with
someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their
spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for
fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is
the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this
dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not
saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a
few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER
just happen to you. You can’t "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That’s why we have the __expression "the labor of
love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM.

You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific
things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your
marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there
are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise
program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your
relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable…
you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"… Not just a feeling. 

For all the people out there, Ladies especially, this is a great insight reading… I definitely agree on everything that’s written below.  It is so important for us to maintain our own individuality even after being married.  Only then, you will become a better partner to one another, although compromise is an important fundamental in any relationship…

       What is the distinction between "Mature Love" and a common misconception of what love is: the symbiotic relationship? Mature love is stable, a union of two people who respect themselves and each other.

Symbiotic love is needy and dependent. Symbiotic relationships demand that one person has power over another. This results in the loss of the integrity of both partners. Mature love means that both individuals in the partnership have room to be themselves, even while being together. In the symbiotic relationship, one partner is driven by need and fear that the other partner will leave. In mature love, each partner is free and whole, choosing, rather than being driven, to give love to the other partner.

Mature love requires giving your love with no strings attached, with no Expectations. Many of us have learned from society that to give means "to give up" or "to give away" — in essence, creating a deficit in ourselves. Further, we learn to give only as much as we expect to receive in return, lest we end up feeling cheated by giving more. Giving, as it exists in mature love, is quite different from these types of messages we have received. Rather than being seen as a sacrifice or an investment in future returns, giving in mature love comes from a desire to give and an ability to do so.

In a symbiotic relationship, one partner gives up a significant part of himself or herself in order to maintain a peaceful relationship. This individual, ruled by a fear of being alone, will sacrifice parts of his or her identity for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. Short-term conflict is avoided, and the status quo is maintained. In the long run, though, there is a price to be paid: the loss of one’s individuality. If one partner idolizes the other and is willing to sacrifice himself more completely, then the other partner has more power and control over the relationship. When the balance of power is unequal, the relationship becomes unsatisfying for both partners; almost inevitably, it ends. There are a lot of people willing to give up an awful lot to avoid being alone. They are willing to give up who they are, what they are, and what they want and need. They are willing to sacrifice their individuality for the love of another.

Any person who is willing to make such a sacrifice lacks self-love, and thus is incapable of maintaining a mature, loving relationship. Self-love is where love for others has to start. Giving up your individuality will eventually come back to haunt you; you will end up feeling anger, resentment, and/or regret. The outcome of one partner resenting the other is the deterioration of the relationship. People need relationships, but they also need to be fulfilled within themselves. When you give up your dreams for the sake of your partner’s, you do so at the cost of your own individuality and personal growth.

When you enter into a relationship, it does not mean that your personal life stops. Your life does not totally change because you are with another person. You have to maintain your own individuality. You have to have your own personal goals. You need to maintain the friendships, hobbies and interests that you had before you met your partner. If you give these up for the sake of your relationship, you are giving up your life. When your partner first met you, they were attracted to you as an individual. It’s important that you keep your individuality– that’s what attracted your partner in the first place. Maintaining your individuality will enable you and your partner to build a mature loving relationship.

Many relationships fail today because one partner has given up too much of themselves for the other. You have to love yourself first, before you can love another. If you enter a relationship and give up all the things that define you as an individual, you are not giving yourself the love that you need. Sooner or later, if you lose your identity, if you stop giving to yourself, you will be unable to give to your relationship.

It’s important not to confuse identity and individuality with flexibility in your relationship. Individuality is about the things that make you who you are. Flexibility is about compromise. Compromise will always be necessary in any relationship that you have. In order to compromise, you have to be committed to honest communication of your feelings and needs at all times. In building a life together, problems will arise.

Problem solving through honest communication is the key to building a mature, loving relationship. Neither you nor your partner should give up anything that makes you the unique person that you are. It’s up to you and your partner to find the balance that you both need to succeed in a rising loving relationship.

by Paul Mauchline

A well written articles that i recently come across, truly reflected on what i’m going through in life at the moment. Just try to accept things the way they are.  Then, everything ain’t gonna be so bad after all…

The Awakening
By Virginia Marie Swift

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening…

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Recently i’ve came across some obstacle in my married life.  I thought and thought hard about it and I’ve come to a conclusion on one thing that both my spouse and I need to understand in order to have a happy marriage is to try to understand each other’s EXPECTATIONS. 

Quite often, most married couples undergoes divorce because they cant seem to meet with each other’s expectations.  i did some research and have come across this articles, which i find it so true and very helpful.  It has definitely helped me to understand a thing of two, thus, I would like to share this to all the married couples out there.  I mean, It’s hard enough to stay married,  moreover to have the perfect marriage.  Let’s each of us learn a bit from each other, and hopefully this reading will help you people out there that’s currently going some problems in their life. Enjoy and any comments are more than welcome, It’s always great to share a few tips and insights from others

Misunderstood Expectations in a Relationship Breeds Disappointment by Stephen Epperson, CAPT,CHC, USN
NDW Chaplain

Expectations in marriage are usually very different for each spouse. This is sometimes cause for disappointment and misunderstandings. Therefore, understanding one’s expectations and articulating them is very important in making the relationship a success.

Research shows that everyone comes to a relationship with certain expectations about behaviors, outcomes or circumstances. That’s not bad except that each person usually brings a different set of expectations to the marriage. Whether you recognize it or not, you have many expectations of how your spouse should act in your relationship. As an illustration, a parent may have behaved a certain way in their marriage and the child observed these behaviors all his or her life. Most children will subconsciously expect their marriage to be about the same - only your spouse doesn’t act like they are supposed to act. Or, you might have seen some behaviors in your parent’s marriage that you definitely do not want in yours; therefore, you subconsciously decide you will "expect" your mate to behave differently.

That may backfire as well. To be specific, a young man marries the love of his life. He expects her not only to be beautiful but also to do housework like his mother, cook like his grandmother and love the outdoors. The problem with these good expectations is that she never did housework at home, never cooked and hates bugs! These are not bad things but when these expectations are unspoken, but acted upon, disappointment will set in and arguments will soon follow.

It’s a cycle that spirals downward. It is critical for couples to clarify their expectations to keep a relationship moving in the right direction. If one expects their partner to respond in a certain way and they don’t get the expected response, disappointment will surely come. Disappointment leads to frustration, and then anger follows.

I find that many people are absolutely unaware of their own expectations. They have "absorbed" them through the years by watching their parents or some other relationship. These expectations become automatic and in many cases subconscious. It would be a lot easier if people sat down and made a list of their expectations, and then handed it over to their spouses. Why don’t people do this? For some reason people do not understand their expectations, or do not express them clearly. The Prevention Relationship and Enhancement Program materials articulate those reasons, which I will paraphrase for you here.

The first reason is that most people assume their partner knows what they expect. It is mind reading in reverse. One assumes their spouse can read their minds. In many cases it is carried to the extreme. For instance, a wife might say, "If you don’t know me well enough to know that I wanted a big diamond, you must not love me very much."

Another reason some expectations are not expressed is fear of rejection. Some couples do not want to tell their partners what they really want or need because they fear their partner will outright reject it. This not only confuses the issue but generally a spouse knows something is going on but not sure what it is, so they guess something completely out in left field.

It is better to take the risk in expressing one’s expectations because it may be the very action that starts the relationship going in the right direction. Sooner or later, unexpressed expectations will cause a lot of anger and frustration. A key phrase to remember here is: "when you are disappointed in your relationship, some expectation has not been met." When disappointment comes, do not get angry, but instead look for ways to clearly articulate your expectations.

Partners should work to become aware of what they expect in a marriage. They should ask themselves if they are reasonable expectations based on a common sense approach. Partners should risk being open about their expectations. Research abounds about expectations in a marriage. As an example, researchers Norm Epstein at the University of Maryland, and Don Baucom at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill have identified three major areas where couples have expectations about the way things should be in a relationship. The first area is boundaries. Who establishes the boundaries? Who should be inside the relationship and who should be out? Where does the line around a couple go? How much independence is okay between the two?

The second area is investments. How much time and effort does each partner feel the other should be putting into the relationship? This might even include what each partner considers an investment to be. For instance, the husband might think if he is with his wife, he’s making an investment. She might perceive his presence as a duty, not an investment. The wife wants her husband to be with her and talk to her.

The last area is control and power. Who makes which decision? How is power shared, or is it? Misunderstandings here can cause big problems.

As you can tell, expectations are important. Will you ever meet all of your spouse’s expectations? I don’t think so. However, understanding your own expectations, investigating where they come from, and then expressing them to your spouse will reduce disappointment and improve your relationship.