Interpersonal Communication - the key in a relationship
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006Most of us tend to take "communication" for granted between our spouse. Just because we all talk to each other, we all thinks that we are communicating. But do we really communicate well??
U see, only through communication we can get to know someone’s individual preferences; his/her response to a particular problem; his/her opinion about an issue; his/her feelings towards an event. Thus, our primary aim is not to gather data, but to understand each other better.
I think interpersonal communications is the one upmost important thing in a marital relationship. Only by having an interpersonal relationship, we all can achieve a better mutual understanding with our spouse and vice versa.
This topic was always on my mind.. and i happened to read about this in an online website. Hope we all can practice this into our everyday life and with our partner in life.
Have we really Disclose our inner self when we communicate with our spouse?
As a couple, we often do not communicate in ways that are conducive to this purpose. we tend to make mistakes.
When people talk to each other, they often converse about events and things rather than about ourselves. Often when we communicate, we get distracted more than we listen. We tend to seldom express to our spouse our desire for a deeper mutual understanding.
You see, because of all these, the result is that many couples in fact do not know each other well. (I personally find that communicating one’s inner self is challenging) because as human, we tend to prefer talking about things outside ourselves. when a conversation becomes personal, it tend to makes us feel uncomfortable and thus, we try to change the topic.
Yet only when we disclose personal matters, we are engaging in personal communication. By doing this, we can uncover our true self, our personality, our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses. These aspects of self are very sensitive.. Sometimes, we tend to close ourselves for the risk of revealing our weaknesses and the feeling of we may be rejected or ridiculed, which can be frightening. But if we do not reveal ourself to our spouse who is supposed to be close to us, how could he or she become intimate with us?
Sometimes when our spouse senses that there is something going on inside us, yet we refuse to share ourself, she or he will feel confused, helpless or rejected. Communication is about giving and receiving. When one discloses, the other must show openness to the disclosure. When one is willing to share himself or herself, the partner must be well disposed to listen attentively.
As a married couple, we often take our spouse for granted and do not listen adequately. We tend to think we know our other half so well, know what our spouse wants to say, that we do not have to wait until the other party finishes what he or she wants to say. Listening only to the beginning of a conversation, we quickly jump to our own conclusions because we are often preoccupied with our own agenda.
In a lot of occassions, the feeling of frustrated at not being able to put across a message, people often inevitably repeats what he or she has said. However, this repeated attempt to convey a message may be perceived as nagging. The one who feels nagged at will stop listening completely, while the other feels increasingly frustrated and upset for not being heard and understood.
Some of us have the mistaken idea that when our spouse shares with us his/her problems, difficulties or frustrations, he or she is asking for help to solve these problems. Thus, when our spouse speaks, we tend to “prepare” a solution while pretending to listen. But in doing this we often lose concentration of what he/she is saying and too often we are too quick to interrupt the sharing by offering our opinions and suggestions: “Why don’t you tell them that. . .”, “You should not bother about what he said. . .” or “You should not have done that.”
Only If we really care, we should just shut up and listen. When a person shares, what he or she expects first and foremost is that we listen and try to understand, rather than to receive a solution. A solution may be needed, but it will only come later. Do we really understand our spouse’s present needs when he or she talks?
Some of us think that whenever a contentious topic is brought up with our spouse, there must always be a winner. When our spouse complains, we feel that we are personally being attacked and thus we must defend. Our mind is busy preparing arguments to refute or retort what our spouse says because we “cannot lose”, Whatever our spouse says becomes a point of contention. What a pity! That which is an opportunity to deepen understanding for each other is turned into a time to hurt each other.
When we are not listening to understand our spouse, it is because we are preoccupied with winning an argument. we try to pick up statements that can be used as a subject for ridicule or retaliation such as “You say that you never. . . but last month when. . .” and “Oh ya, How about the time when…”
therefore, to avoid contention, try to look at a complaint calmly. It is often an expression of a need unfulfilled. So go beyond the question at hand and see the needs and feelings within. When we can discern them, we have understood our spouse. When our spouse feels understood, the negative emotions will dissipate.
Do We care?
If we are interested in our spousal relationship and want to understand our spouse, we should enhance the art of communication. When we are talking to our spouse, try to talk more about self than things. When we are listening, focus on our spouse’s thoughts, feelings and needs. As such, the one who speaks is understood and the one, who listens, understands. In this way, both can encourage each other to open up, to share meaningfully and to grow in love for each other. What can be better than love for a spousal relationship?
hehe.. 