Journey in Life

Recently i’ve came across some obstacle in my married life.  I thought and thought hard about it and I’ve come to a conclusion on one thing that both my spouse and I need to understand in order to have a happy marriage is to try to understand each other’s EXPECTATIONS. 

Quite often, most married couples undergoes divorce because they cant seem to meet with each other’s expectations.  i did some research and have come across this articles, which i find it so true and very helpful.  It has definitely helped me to understand a thing of two, thus, I would like to share this to all the married couples out there.  I mean, It’s hard enough to stay married,  moreover to have the perfect marriage.  Let’s each of us learn a bit from each other, and hopefully this reading will help you people out there that’s currently going some problems in their life. Enjoy and any comments are more than welcome, It’s always great to share a few tips and insights from others

Misunderstood Expectations in a Relationship Breeds Disappointment by Stephen Epperson, CAPT,CHC, USN
NDW Chaplain

Expectations in marriage are usually very different for each spouse. This is sometimes cause for disappointment and misunderstandings. Therefore, understanding one’s expectations and articulating them is very important in making the relationship a success.

Research shows that everyone comes to a relationship with certain expectations about behaviors, outcomes or circumstances. That’s not bad except that each person usually brings a different set of expectations to the marriage. Whether you recognize it or not, you have many expectations of how your spouse should act in your relationship. As an illustration, a parent may have behaved a certain way in their marriage and the child observed these behaviors all his or her life. Most children will subconsciously expect their marriage to be about the same - only your spouse doesn’t act like they are supposed to act. Or, you might have seen some behaviors in your parent’s marriage that you definitely do not want in yours; therefore, you subconsciously decide you will "expect" your mate to behave differently.

That may backfire as well. To be specific, a young man marries the love of his life. He expects her not only to be beautiful but also to do housework like his mother, cook like his grandmother and love the outdoors. The problem with these good expectations is that she never did housework at home, never cooked and hates bugs! These are not bad things but when these expectations are unspoken, but acted upon, disappointment will set in and arguments will soon follow.

It’s a cycle that spirals downward. It is critical for couples to clarify their expectations to keep a relationship moving in the right direction. If one expects their partner to respond in a certain way and they don’t get the expected response, disappointment will surely come. Disappointment leads to frustration, and then anger follows.

I find that many people are absolutely unaware of their own expectations. They have "absorbed" them through the years by watching their parents or some other relationship. These expectations become automatic and in many cases subconscious. It would be a lot easier if people sat down and made a list of their expectations, and then handed it over to their spouses. Why don’t people do this? For some reason people do not understand their expectations, or do not express them clearly. The Prevention Relationship and Enhancement Program materials articulate those reasons, which I will paraphrase for you here.

The first reason is that most people assume their partner knows what they expect. It is mind reading in reverse. One assumes their spouse can read their minds. In many cases it is carried to the extreme. For instance, a wife might say, "If you don’t know me well enough to know that I wanted a big diamond, you must not love me very much."

Another reason some expectations are not expressed is fear of rejection. Some couples do not want to tell their partners what they really want or need because they fear their partner will outright reject it. This not only confuses the issue but generally a spouse knows something is going on but not sure what it is, so they guess something completely out in left field.

It is better to take the risk in expressing one’s expectations because it may be the very action that starts the relationship going in the right direction. Sooner or later, unexpressed expectations will cause a lot of anger and frustration. A key phrase to remember here is: "when you are disappointed in your relationship, some expectation has not been met." When disappointment comes, do not get angry, but instead look for ways to clearly articulate your expectations.

Partners should work to become aware of what they expect in a marriage. They should ask themselves if they are reasonable expectations based on a common sense approach. Partners should risk being open about their expectations. Research abounds about expectations in a marriage. As an example, researchers Norm Epstein at the University of Maryland, and Don Baucom at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill have identified three major areas where couples have expectations about the way things should be in a relationship. The first area is boundaries. Who establishes the boundaries? Who should be inside the relationship and who should be out? Where does the line around a couple go? How much independence is okay between the two?

The second area is investments. How much time and effort does each partner feel the other should be putting into the relationship? This might even include what each partner considers an investment to be. For instance, the husband might think if he is with his wife, he’s making an investment. She might perceive his presence as a duty, not an investment. The wife wants her husband to be with her and talk to her.

The last area is control and power. Who makes which decision? How is power shared, or is it? Misunderstandings here can cause big problems.

As you can tell, expectations are important. Will you ever meet all of your spouse’s expectations? I don’t think so. However, understanding your own expectations, investigating where they come from, and then expressing them to your spouse will reduce disappointment and improve your relationship.